Funny it has been a year and yet almost every night you are in my dreams. Maybe i can't let go because i feel guilt, which i do for many things and yet when i think back i am still angry with you for having broken my heart twice. But it seems i am the bad guy in this, this is even more obvious given that A. has flushed me from his life as well. Maybe it is frustration because i made mistakes but so did you and yet i am the bad guy. What the Hell! Maybe it is the feeling of not having closure. I sometimes get tempted to drive down there and confront you, but i feel that it would be pointless; I remember how you are when you make a decision. Once made it is final. I wish i could do the same. I have tried hard to flush you from my life, but each time i find myself putting the vase back on the shelf, removing the emails from the trash, or pulling the photos from the recycle bin. Then there are days that i find i do web searches of you. Flicker photos, facebook, space or twitter conversations. I found one once that told of the time i sent you an email, from what you wrote it sounds like you despise me. Can't you see why i could not go back to you when you asked, why i acted so childlike trying to hurt you. Can't you see how much fear i had of being hurt by you again because i loved you so fracking much. I write you not to upset you but to get it out of me. I am actually pissed! I have been repressing this rage for a year and i want it gone! You hurt me TOO, you hurt me first and i still went back to you once. I take responsibility for my actions but i refuse the ides that i am some horrible person. I fucked up yes but look at the whole picture and see yourself in it. It is fine if you had to flush me from your life but an explication would have been nice. The only thing i understand is that you loath me for whatever i said and did, and yet i have forgiven you for hurting me and i am working on forgiving you for washing me out of your life. You know i lost much more than you in all this, aside from our friendship and the potential for a future with you, i lost Andrew one of my best friends, I feel like i could not show my face in Gainesville or talk to anyone i once knew there because i am sure that i appear to be the ass, were you can be the victim... does any one know my side of the story? The nights i could not sleep, the pain and rejections that i felt not once but three times!!! I find that in the last year i have become more like you, because of you. I don't express my emotions anymore to anyone...funny in a way. I have become emotionally cold, fearing to ever let someone too close to me again. I have always been one that was optimistic about love; never letting myself become cold, but i suppose it is true people can become bitter and frigid, i know i feel like i have. People that have known me forever tell me that i have shut down some how in some way. I want my old self back...that is why i write...i need it out, gone even if you don't read it i know i sent it and hope maybe that i can be free. I wish you would stay out of my dreams. I want to stop being hunted by you. I am writing as an attempt to exercise the past that is fracking with my present and future. And even as i end this letter i know tomorrow i will be waiting for a responce from you...maybe one day i will turly let go.
"Sometimes you have to be strong for yourself. You have to know that you're a good person and a good friend. What's meant to be will end up good and what's not - won't. Love is worth fighting for, but sometimes you can't be the only one fighting. At times, people need to fight for you. If they don't, you just have to move on and realize what you gave them was more than they were willing to give you." -unknown
(right back at you...)
t
You've checked my Myspace and other sites almost every single day this year (EDIT: still checking 3 weeks later). I've managed to not look at T's sites all this time. I've had to, for my sanity, to stay healthy. It's very sad that T has yet to fully grasp what she put me though on purpose (her words). Angry? Yes, you should be angry T, but at yourself, for failing us so tragically. You told S. you knew why we broke up each time - because of your drinking, your "craziness". We are both victims, victims of your drinking problem - I'll say it, alcoholism. I fought for you last summer more than even your father ever fought for you, not to just get us back together, but to help you find a better path, one with me by your side. But you destroyed me, and the best chance you had for the best life you could have. You've said it, you know it, there has never been anyone that knew you better than I. And that ability of mine, also made it so terribly painful last year - I could see right through you (and into each fucking loser). I was going to be the one, I kept trying, and trying. I was going to be the one to help you find your way, the one to help you fix yourself. You know why we broke up, and confessed it to S., and you even said you purposefully pushed me away on top of everything else. Why? Why! Stupid test bullshit. Why didn't you pull me closer, tighter - see if I would run. I would have only run towards you, faster, with full commitment to that path. Loathe you? Hate you? Yes, yes... I had to fall in love with someone that knew how to fully devastate my heart, my soul - and used that super power again and again. I can still picture use together, I can still feel you close, saying you are home. But that will never happen, there are too many people on this planet that could never hurt me the way you did, they get a chance with me now. I thought I lost parts of my heart, pieces shriveled and dead, but those slivers are still alive, kept alive by the love I have for you that will never die. But it's those same infirmed sections of my heart that keep there from being an us.
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