With your voice mails about graduation invites and after graduation plans from Wednesday night, they clicked off a lot of thoughts I had been having. I've been thinking about what my life going to be like. What I hope it can be. Thinking about you in Gainesville, taking a year off before grad school. A full year here. Nothing we've ever had.
I had been thinking about all the craziness I've gone through with you. The 4am screams on Bourbon St. in New Orleans. You destroying your keys and almost your laptop getting your application to S.B. submitted. The nights of too much drinking at Mkt St and Tampa. You shredding your own photos. The hours crying as we dealt with our feelings. And I think that there can not be nothing from all that; from giving more than I knew was in my heart.
I had been thinking about how I've never been more comfortable with a woman. More open to my feelings, and letting them out. Can I do it more? Yes, I can, I must. Never had farted in front of girl before. Never so sexually comfortable and open.
I had been thinking about all the incredible times I've gone through with you. The silly flirting when you were in OA. Making love in New Orleans. Kissing you on every street corner. Buying our Chinese shirts. First "spat" over cheese. Getting hot chocolate at Daily's. Buying soap at Paddywack. Cooking my first turkey with you. Playing tile rummy. Suduku. Reading to me. Waiting for you outside one of your classes at S.B. Kissing during commercials watching Battlestar.
I still see you leaning against the back of the couch at A's old place. Knowing that in just a few seconds my life would change permanently. Walking to you in what felt like slow motion, placing my hands on your face, looking at your eyes, leaning in and touching my lips to yours.
I've really been watching M. and H., how they fight, sometime degrade each other, and end up showing how they love each other in the end. I see how you can last 10 years and not be perfect and it's OK it's not perfect. Out of the problems you can find a stronger love.
I had been thinking about how I haven't played a game of Suduku. I haven't watched the Battlestar mini movie, Raven, I have on DVD. I want to watch it the first time with you. I've been working out, and running more, getting in better shape. Wondering if I can really learn to drive a stick.
When I got into Daytona last night and walked around this morning, I could only think how you should be here. It would be like New Orleans. I could just think of romance. I said to the boys something like "no offence, but I'd rather be here with someone else."
I've thought about how incredible it will be to see you in your cap and gown. Walk up to you can hug you can look at your eyes and know I could tell you everything is going to be wonderful.
You knew at Christmas I was still in love with you. I kissed you. You kissed me. Could you give me, us, a few months? A second chance for us? I thought we were still connected, by heart, souls still holding hands. You were going to rescue me. But, A. told me you're staying up there, that you might have moved on already.
I want to have a reason to stop going to bed at 3am, so little sleep so I don't remember any dreams. I want to have a reason to play hookey. I want to see your clothes hanging in the closet. I don't want to watch another Battlestar without you. I don't want to call you T. I want to call you sweetie.
-me
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