email: Hello from Gainesville, FL

D. (T.'s mom),

D,

T. and I talked a little the last few days. Tonight she read to me a book. I love when she reads. I asked about talking to you, but didn't get the phone number before we said goodnight.

I just want it to be all right again. I so failed myself and I failed your daughter, I failed us, so terribly. If I had the strength she needed a few months ago, I could have answered a phone call or two and told your daughter I was still in love with her. I needed a cupid, a friend, to smack me out of my own darkness and put back in my face that I was her friend, I loved her, and needed her, too.

I am so scared I'm going to live my life without her. I had been sometimes scared to live my life with her, until I was able to concentrate on my own feelings, my own heart, my own thoughts. It was just so crazy, it was crisis mode so often, and I was not confident I wasn't still screwed up from my old relationship and this wasn't just a rebound. My love never stopped, but I needed to fall in love with her in a better way. I can't change that I love her, but I can love her better. Some may throw a bunch of adjectives at this, but it has the most meaning to me in its simplest and purest form - I love T., I love your daughter. I see our two hearts as one, separate souls as a team through life. I want to be the one for her when there is a disaster in her life. I can now do that as I've given myself over to my love for her. I want her to be able call you just because she wants to say hi. I want to make her tea with honey. I want to hold her hand to get a caramel macchiato. I want to wait for her after class. I want to massage her feet after a long day. I want to see glowing candle light across her beautiful face. I want to kiss her and tell her I love her every day.

I so am sorry. I don't know how to get through some of this. I do know I need to listen to T. and follow her lead, and do what she asks of me. And I'm so sorry to impose, but you always have such wisdom for your daughter. If there's anything you can say to me, I could use it. I know the words aren't always what you want to hear. And I don't need the pain to go away. That I need to feel so I can understand how she has felt, so someday, if I get a chance, I can prevent or lessen her from feeling this ever again. If you have any words on hope or how life plays out that you would kindly share, I would appreciate it.

With all my heart,
Joe