email: Re: rilke

I wrote your mother back a little last night. She said if I love your Bones, then there is a way to do something about it. I wrote back that I understand and I do. And, that I'm not sure you can help someone fall madly in love with you, or perhaps nearly impossible, again. It's certainly easier to find a way to lose someone though. So I could tell where your heart is at regarding me. And that is not surprising. To most it's surprising I can get past your affair or that you have let me back into your life. Those are steps. We were really good in the past, but as you've said don't dwell on it, learn from it. If the past was every we both needed, we would not being going through this right now. I know for me what was missing, that was a full understanding of what it means to Love. I get it now, and it's wonderful, and you're the one I feel this way for. You center me. You take my world of logic and reason and plan and swirl in love and emotion and hope. You make me accept my feelings, not fight them anymore. You give me hope there is a wonderful world for me. And I know I bring into your life a better way to deal with the tangibles of life, like entering college to simply getting the right iPod.

I am your Gatorade. I can give you a hug for to you feel just a little bit of someone else's energy. And you know I'm a damn hugger. And I feel like I'm the Sun and I have plenty of energy for us. Get something in return? That's not to truly love. Expectations can only come from commitments, relationships, plans, things you could almost write a contract for. We know only in a dystopia would you have a contract for Love. That you can write as you have and give me fully your feelings as best as you understand them, it's one of the reasons I love you. It's such an important ability for long term relationships that flourish.

I think rejection only happens at initial contact. Anything beyond that is just one person has spent enough time with the other to know it won't work out, why continue for both sakes. We know it is so difficult to find the right person. I know we each thought we knew at the time that we found the right person when we got together. But when the distance increased, it created a long feedback loop. I couldn't see you walk in the door stressed from class and immediately be there for you. Those things built up and we know it got ugly. And I wasn't where I needed to be for myself if I was ever to be someone else's rock. Those aren't things that make up a rejection. They are what hurt existing relationships. And it's OK to need someone, to need what they can offer you. If everyone found everything they needed internally, then we would just be a bunch of androids and replicants. I think that void you have inside, you can't, shouldn't try, to fill it all by yourself with no external material. I don't think that's what makes us human. You fill the that little void in me. I have such hopes and dreams for us, but I know that they are just that. Reality has a long way to go. The only thing I know for real is that I desire you, I love you, I'm in love you, however you want to put it. Use those feelings. Pull them inside. Let a smile come across your face when you think of them. Like with the flowers. It's a start to happiness. Just go, wow, in those sunflowers there is love, someone sees something in me that they know is so wonderful. It's OK, no guilt, no expectations, Love is given in hopes it will make right the person and their world.

The inscription in the Rilke book you wrote me says "May you truly find yourself and along the way i hope you find me. Love, T." Ditto.

Talk to you later about easy shit, like papers and class and iPods. Okay. And remember that runner's store is just down the road on Rivermont.