email: sorry, more emotional dumpings

Of course it's not something I think you did just to hurt me, may be it's just so you can feel something. At least that's what I tell myself and really really want to believe. But it does not mean it is not so horribly fucking hard to not think right now about you and someone else. Oh, it is a trigger. To a gun straight to my heart, my head. I can't I can't I can't believe I'm going through it again. I started to like you before you started seeing Ralph. I remember finding out you two hooked up and feeling something I hadn't felt in a long time, emotional pain. I so wanted you to be happy all through that and it came around to me wanting to be the one do that. Was it not complicated? I was in a long-term relationship that had been over, just not done. Worrying about the rebound effect, that would not be fair to you if that was what was going on - to most it would not have been unlikely. I felt it was love, I remember looking at you standing in your kitchen and telling you the first time that I loved you. And then the first times dealing with strong emotions from a woman, nothing I had ever encountered. It was a short love affair before you left for college, we stuck it out, but I didn't learn enough. And I, and even you, had thoughts if it was just a rebound. Yes, I got pushed away, from all the craziness at college, and I just didn't know how to absorb the blows. I just wasn't there, I couldn't grab you and kiss you and tell you all would be fine. It's the chicken or the egg kind of thing. If we were together, there would be less or not so hard, just simply because of being together, close, able to read each other. The distance and the alcohol and uncertainty from me, just all spiraled around. You broke it off. I wanted to discover my feelings outside of the craziness, away. I wanted to know deep inside me this was the true feeling of love and commitment. I so failed you, I so failed you, I so failed you, and wish I could change that, so easy to have done as the way I know I feel now. Do you understand it really was part me, not just your emotions at issue.

But I'm past all that now, it's come back around, the only thing that hasn't changed is that I love you. It is definitely not the love I have had in my life before. I don't want to believe we are not meant for each other. I really hope when you find yourself I am in there. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without the one I love. You mentioned trust, and not sure anymore. If I broke this and fucked up so badly that it's not recoverable ever, part of me will be forever missing. When I saw S. and A. at just a stupid bowling alley, interact so lovingly simple, I knew I've been that way before and wanted to again with the only person possible. I've jumped, both feet, hands out stretched, no net. Just time is my last to give. You have it.

Sorry, last one, no need to respond, just me giving. So sorry again, please just deal with school, almost first degree done, something I cherish being a part of.

Love, me