email: Re: sorry, more emotional dumpings

It makes me feel so good to know that no matter what happens between us at least i helped you grow. You have helped me to...so very much. I am so sorry about our conversation yesterday. I realize that all this must be hell for you but i had to be honest with you and with myself. I know that i love you, but i also know i am still fucked up. I need to find out if i even love myself before i can commit to anyone or it will be the same as it was...me drinking too much, unhappy with life, driving myself and you crazy...you were the only bright spot in my life (thank god for that). I don't want to be the person that i was...if i ever get involved again (and i hope that it is with you) i want to be whole, confident and secure in myself so that i can give fully truly of myself and not become over reliant on you, that i forget how to function on my own. I always thought that i was one of those people that was meant always to be with someone...i never learned how to really be on my own and that means i never learned who i am. The universe is a funny thing...i had a wakeup call last week that made me realize no matter what i do, no matter how much i push and pull, scream, yell, cry and accuse the universe of fucking me over i am being forced to be alone...
I feel like i need to explain...I know that you think that i fell in love with some one else. This is not the case... At first it was nothing and it would have stayed that way but i am, as i said, still fucked up...desperate to be loved, desperate not be alone, desperate not to be rejected..and i projected on to this boy my pathetic fears. I made of him something that he is not...then you called, emailed and everything got confused. You mean so much to me that my reaction was to say noooooo because i had gone through so much to get over you, i felt i could not trust you again i felt that you just wanted me back because you thought i was with someone else. Funny how life works... This boy he saw that i was not over you (he himself has been trying to get over a woman he loves) and he was smart, smarter than me. He ended it (whatever it was) and i found myself alone and again rejected...I have a huge problem with rejection...regardless of that my feelings for this boy are (they are far from what you call love), i freaked because my ego is so fucking big and distorted. I felt like i was so damaged that no one not even a fucked up 23 year old boy wanted me. Please understand that deep down i know you are true and honest about your feelings, but the timing and everything really made me feel like it was not really true that you wanted me...so with what i felt about you (not really wanting me) and having been rejected by another i have been to the edge again... the edge of insanity...but i am stronger now, i have changed...and i am going to be ok. yet all of this, the way of the universe, makes me realize that i really need to be alone. I need to stop looking for what i have to find in me...i fear that i will never be able to open myself to another again, that my love has become dull and blunt...i say this know that i love you, i know i do (other wise i would have used you, made you come up here to make me feel better et cetera) but right now i have become numb. It is a good thing for the moment, i have to get through school...i have to find myself...may be may be in the end i will come out of this and you will be there...may be i am closer to finding myself than i think (the road looks really long really hard and i fear sometimes that i will not be able to make it). Anyways i wanted to explain without wine on my lips and with having some time to think. I hope that you are doing ok i hope that the world looks better today than it did yesterday...i hope i hope....
I love you Joe,
t.