email: Re: rilke

I don't know what to say. I feel like you are trying so hard to prove your love to me, it is hard for me to see you do this. You don't have to prove anything to me Joe. You know how i feel or at least were i am right now. Don't try to make me fall in love with you again; i love you...i don't know if i am in love with you or if there is a difference. I know i do not feel, right now, the same as i did. I don't have the same butterflies in my belly when i opened the door to flowers from you, i did smile and it made me feel good, but it was not the same as it once was for me. I may be numb, i may have given up, i may be just be protecting myself. Part of me wants to tell you to come, come to me, but i know that it is a selfish desire, i want to be held i want to feel some one hold me, i want to feel a hand on me a hug a kiss, but i would just be using you to make myself feel better. I could not promise you anything, i have nothing to give right now...i feel a deep deep void in me...i think i hope that in a few months i can fill it up with myself and not feel this blank spot inside that aches so badly. i thought that i was broken once, then i found out i could be ok...i feel broken again and i want to be ok, but everything is confused inside and feel like i will never be ok...i feel like i can never trust again, that i will never give of myself again, that i will end up one of those untouchable women...I don't think i will ever have sex again...funny funny i don't know why i think it is funny, there is something about this whole thing that is funny to me...that a simple two week affair could crush me...I know full well that much of what is happening has to do with my ego...It yells "How could I possibly be rejected again"...another part is not my ego...that is, i may have been projecting and when i did i allowed myself to open up even if it was false, even if i knew that it was only what "I wanted" and nothing more... in reality i did this to myself. i broke myself...Fuck i have no idea if any of this makes sense. I don't know if it even makes sense to me...I hope that you don't take this badly i hope that you understand at least that i am not really talking about love, but the illusion of love...and my big fat ego...
so i say come Joe...don't come Joe...there is a little hope in me...maybe if i see you all my old feelings will come back and everything will be ok...I don't know, i don't know...would you have be if i were not really there for you, would you come just to hold me even if i could not give you anything in return?
So come Joe, but don't come...i no longer now...
t.