email: Re: sorry, more emotional dumpings

God damn it T., this is shit. You write things about you that now I'm going through, "could not live without you", "depression", "alone for so very long". This is fucking going suck for a while. I get home after we talked, and A. wants me to meet him at Gators Dockside because D. is there for motorcycle night (or more to really just get me out of house, he knows I don't like being here last few days). So I'm half way there and realize, gee, I'm on the same route I'd take to your old apartment, and I'm heading to where we had our first date. Fuck me, Fuck me, Fuck me.

I've got to go on with realizing that I'm an amazing, giving, loving, man who is only gotten better from having a good teacher. I know all I went through with you, gave more than I knew I had in me. I know more of what I need in a relationship, I need to be close so I can be engaged in any problems, and be close so I can see and feel fully the wonderful times. Major growth for me, expressing my feelings, being so comfortable in love with you. I'm a pretty good package like you are, I just need a bottle of glue around the edges and let it set for a while. But then there's the whole bottom of the box missing with your name on it.

If you want to know you are attractive, desirable, look in the mirror (or call me) and see this planet's deepest, most beautiful eyes and precious lips that look back at you. I've looked at them every day in this photo, the only one that didn't get ripped apart.

For a plant to grow, it needs good soil, and someone to tend to it, to water (you did that wonderfully with your tomatoes). There is good soil in Gainesville. There is me, friends, to put up the stakes to make sure there is the structure in place so the tomato plant can reach as high as it can. I hope you really understand that. A. thinks you would get too comfortable here, not get back to grad school in a year, because he hasn't. He's wrong. I know we would bust your ass if you tried not to, and I've been there once, I've proven myself. And this time you wouldn't leave alone. I'm not a fool, and I wish to wander with you, and make Buddha happy. I know two people can grow and discover together, it's just a different process than doing it alone. I know you are making something for yourself up there, and that is wonderful. It's what you want, what you need, you are supported. It's just so hard waiting for one little hint that there was the real T. back so I could have what I needed to get back to you and missing it, not getting it. I don't agree with you when you said something like people are meant to just flow in and out each other's lives, something like an uncontrolled current. When you know what went wrong, how to fix it, and how to make things stronger, it's your choice to take action, not fate. You control the flow.

You talked about losing some of your friends, your sister, and how some of your friends have gotten married. You need to reread my emails.

I know you love me, T.. Those aren't words you say easily. I'm so crushed there's a trust issue I created, and I know you have to be safe. But I will beat myself up over failing you over what could have been one or two phone calls where if I had regained my strength, or seen a glimmer of the old T., and answered I would be the happiest man in the happiest couple right now. When you find out "what the hell" you need from others, please, for the sake of the stars, reread my emails and if there is something missing in there, will you will ask me first.

I love you T.D.M.. You will always be my goddess. (I said that aloud so I could smile).

I'm done. I think I'm exhausted enough I can sleep now.

Love, Me

Will you take all my emails to Susan and see if she thinks I could use some help. I think I'm OK, no destructiveness. I'm getting all this out is good and used to be one of my major flaws where I struggled to do this.

I think I'll watch Battlestar Raven movie this weekend, hope it's good.

Please tell your mother I've learned to fully understand the "Two Pots" poem and embrace it. I hope she is well.