email: Happy Birthday

I just wanted to wish you a, day late, happy birthday. I hope life is good!
sincerely,
t

email: think of you

I think of you often and hope you are ok. May life give all you need and hope for.
sincerely,
t

Retro: Give, and you shall be taken.

Retrospection... (my ex, once removed)

About 3 years into the relationship, I gave her a promise ring. We didn't have plans to marry, that was just a piece of paper, and not something we needed. Nevertheless, I did want to make sure she knew that I was hers, I was committed to us. I never got an equivalent back from her.

I would kiss and hug her when I got home for the day, every day (until she stopped making an effort to even quit playing minesweeper to greet me). In that brief moment, I would often (near always) get a "woody". She turned me on. Never once was that acted upon when I got home.

I played intramural softball for about 5 years, around 18 games a year spread out over the semesters. She never came to a game. I asked. I'd have to prompt her to ask me how I performed in the game when I got home, and I was usually excited about it.

12 weeks in Montana over 3 vacations... sex one time and I had to basically beg for it.
About twice a year we'd vacation/visit her hometown, about 24 visits. No sex ever. oral? hah. not even a makeout session.
2 times to New Orleans... last time, last night, another beg.

My friends would go dancing to '80s music a couple times a month. It was something we had done early in the relationship (still picture her dancing at Florida Theater). She never would go. Would she ask me to stay home with her, watch a movie, cook, read, sex? Nope. Did I attend her events and gatherings with her friends? Yep.

Cleaning off an old backup hard drive, I found an old paper of hers for a class back in 2001. It was an autobiography titled "My Life Story". I'm not in it. In 2001, we would have been together for 7 years.

We never went to my family back home for Christmas. Always hers.

She never kept a photo of me in her office. Other photos were up, but just not one of me. I kept in my office my favorite of her dressed as a pirate.

Breaking up took two, 1 hour sessions of talking. She didn't fight for us. No "but I love you and want to grow old with you." She even moved herself into the spare bedroom before the talking was done.

What a chump, loving dumbass chump.

Ode To A Suffering Fool

You've stopped being a good human. You'll have to explain why someday.
You need to figure it out or you’ll never forgive yourself. Never.
You'll still be walking your destructive path 3 new lives from now.
You're now the one that won't talk. You keep it all inside.
You won't let me help you. Your ego is a cancer.
Everything is you. I'm just an old toy crumpled up in the corner.
You were meant to live alone, and to suffer alone.
And to drive yourself fucking crazy. I just don’t understand.
You're sick.
Sick of yourself, of your own standards, your emotional ignorance.
Of your fucking lies, your deceit, your half-truths, your secrets.
You've keep me around, but in the dark.
Because my fears don't count. Because my love doesn't count.
Because you don't give a fuck what happens to me.
Just as beautiful as you are, it's so pitiful what you are.
Your troubles are so deep.
You think more about the bottle than tomorrow.
Spirits enter you and evaporate through your flesh.
You've become a respectable worker in the field of badness.
I'm fucking stupid, all you care about is you in the now.
You take all that is given, and steal that which is not.
I'm exhausted.
You've been driving me insane.
Fuck him. Love me. Fuck him. Miss me. Fuck you.
But I'm not a puppet for your ego, for your failures.
Enjoy your hole. Have fun rotting by yourself. Alone.
I will not be there the day your mother dies.
I've never been this mean to anyone, and it's the last skill I learn from you.
It's the last time I let myself be this way.
It's for me, not for you.
It's time to think of myself, of my own needs.
Because I see no future with you.


-shout to Sex and Lucía, F. Weltsch, and 10 Days

Complicated Grief

A complicated grief "has to persist for six months or more in a way that interferes with your daily functioning," says UCLA researcher Mary-Frances O'Connor.

I hope I can overcome much sooner from all the damage she's caused inside my brain, my heart. When I think of her, I feel loss and pain and sadness and anger, and then I find those memories of happy, wonderful days, floating into my mind.

In the brain there's a fine line between pleasure and pain - a superfast, synaptic freeway with neurons firing in a battle for happiness over insanity.

Sex, Lie, Manipulate

You said you got a vibrator and went off the pill as proof you don't want to have sex; don't want a man in your life. You got the vibrator to enhance your sex life and went on some other type of birth control. Why the trip to C'ville's Planned Parenthood with your mom? Why the reminders about the vibrator? Just lies to yourself until you believe them as truth.

The days you would call and say you weren't worth it were days after you fucked him again.

You, with the addictions, stop having great sex with a guy that lives a block away? Ya, right.

You tell me you've gone over to his place with a bottle of wine, got drunk, and crashed in his bed as just another example of men you've slept drunk with. And you tell me there is no reason to not trust you. Nobody on the planet would believe you didn't fuck.

You say a friend purchased the All Good ticket for you. When you say just "friend" it means it's either a direct lie and you purchased the ticket or it means a guy purchased the ticket for you. $150 for the ticket; I'm sure you're still fucking him.

You chase after him into a parking lot. Have your usual screaming match (some how being loud and crazy means you care really, really a lot) and tell me that he said he's starting to realize that you care about him. But you won't run after me because you've blown all your gas money on iTunes and alcohol. But you have all these great new people up there, surely one would have given you money. A good friend would have even driven you.

After just 2 months and only fucking him, you called him a best friend. The lies you tell yourself that you then live are so sad. Who were S., S., A., to you? Those were true friends that you could count on being there every time, all the time. And what was I? What's 10,000 fold above your new "best friend"?

You Know Where Home Is

You don't know what happened Saturday? Do you not see that is part of the problem? This comes back into your face. This what you have wanted. You have wanted to hurt me, no doubt about it, your actions and words have been proof; you have told me this. You've wanted to try to make me go away, to see if I'll stay. What have you been telling me, what did you say plain as day; I'm not worth it, go away, I don't love you, I don't love you that way, never will, there are things you can never do for me, and there was one thing you held back on - can't imagine what that was. I bet you told your friends after graduation weekend you were so happy I was gone, left early. I wondered sometimes if they offered to beat my ass if I would have come to Vines. I wonder if they are really confused now, wondering what is going on about some dude you tell them hurt you, abandoned you, and crushed you. They're wondering what the problem is, he's gone, you got rid of him. You told me yourself you only tell them your side, don't tell them everything, manipulate the truth. Like I said you don't lie to your friends, tell them half-truths, because eventually they will realize it. Think of your school oath. That's for life. You are a beautiful, wonderful, kind, caring, and nurturing, women with a hard past, open wounds, exposed flaws, and a real friend will accept you as you are, no need to reinvent, deceive. No reason. If they can't see you as whom you really are, why are they worth being in your life? Am I worth having in your life? You haven't shown me that's for sure. But you didn't have to, I know there is another you in there that is full of love, will devote and give again. Can I be the one in the end? I don't know, and they way you need to test me, to push me, I don't know if I understand any feelings you have for me. I get the anger part. But I have been trying, and you are god damn worth it. Being on the receiving end of the real you is an experience that is immeasurable. You know the real you, you remember her; I will not forget her.

I knew what your first response would be after the phone call was over. It would be all about you. Well, actually, I was surprized (shouldn't have been really) that you first cared about figuring out the very deragatory remark about you on your fuck buddy's, I mean best friend's, MySpace page. Sorry, but "three triggaz in the honey comb", if that wasn't about you, you still can't be OK with it as an adult (feminist) woman. But your next call got it back on track all about you. It's happening to you again, abandoned again. I'm doing this to you again. How can I abandon that which is not mine? How can you say I abandoned you when you have not wanted me, don't love me that way, and something you held back on saying? (Why? Devastating? Really true?) You tell me I was making you feel like you still had a boyfriend. Then you go on to saying you don't want to lose me, you love me, you need me; does that not turn me back towards you treating me like a boyfriend? You treat me like we are in a committed relationship or surely heading towards one (Can I have your old phone? Europe trip? Take me home to San Miguel? Buy you a new bed?) You expect my guaranteed love and respect and kindness and duty to being there for you no matter what, even after what you did yesterday. Have you respected me, been kind to me? You have put so much shit in my face. You have said things that you just don't say, you just don't - like the things you've told me about you and your, as your mom called him, plaything. I told your mom you were playing with my heart. Your mom said that you have to give the oldest cow the longest leash. I told her I'm trying to give you the world to roam, I just want to walk with you. You work me like I'm supposed spend the rest of my life giving you my love, my kindness, continue to do the little things like ordering yuca just for you, all the things I have done to make you happy or get you through your school papers; and all I get in return is your anger, your frustrations, your stories of you forcing yourself on some loser who smokes too much pot, is uneducated, never will be, and cuts hair (your own words), drunken parties where you end up in bed or on a couch with a near stranger or someone who just got out of jail. That is not a life path I wish to take, one I should not be asked to take, one I should not have to take.

I have a tremendous amount of trust lost in you. You've asked for implicit trust, said there is no reason not to trust you. Your words have not matched your actions, actions have not matched words. To trust that nothing happened when you tell me take a bottle of wine to your ex-affair, get drunk, and sleep next to him, takes a lot of strength and hope and belief in you. Can you understand how difficult that is? How I would not want that to happen? You must understand that. An hour after arriving for graduation weekend, you lied to A. about texting your friend with benefits right next to me just 5 minutes after sitting down (so were you able to score some pot?) You must understand that as much as I have been working for us to be together again, I not only have to be accepted back by you, but I have been willing to accept you back as well. Do you not have your own flaws? Have you worked on them? Are you a better human over the last 3 years; have you grown? And I know well now and have felt close to the massive amount of pain you endured and understand you are so broken. We are both flawed creatures and have our faults that we must own, understand, and ask for help when we fail to address them, but must also help each other when they expose themselves to us and others, and be willing to be allowed to be helped.

You've accused me of a motive for helping you through the end of school, an expectation that you would be mine. Wrong expectation, but yes a motive, and personal need. If a man ever treated you like you have me the last 3 months, how long would you have lasted? How long would you have taken the malicious and purposeful abuse, the lies, the deceit, the fucking around, the sleeping with strangers, the disregard for themselves, for others. Why have I? I love you. I have been trying to find a way to right the tremendous wrong that came down on you. I did abandon you. I did. My best friend. The person that made me whole. There are no words in an apology I can write that would do justice for the harm and damage. I have been trying through action right these kinds of horrible wrongs. You know what I have endured. I have been taking the pain to try to take yours away, but you have so much, so much pain. But a lot of it is self-inflicted, making decisions and then dealing with the consequences, not thinking of them first. And I've watched you set yourself up for more and more, some of what you have encountered already, inflicted by new people in your life (have you felt cheated on? lied to? the lesbian rumor spread by an "adult"? And it continues.)

Was you with another man a catalyst for contacting you? Hell, yes, what stronger catalyst can you have to get your words, your feeling, your life in order to not lose the women you have wanting to find a way back to. Does the reason matter after you have seen my actions, read my words, felt my love for you? Did I come up there in April for 4 days and stake my claim to your body like a lion in Africa? No. Sex was not the purpose, and you made me promise. Could I have? The spark was there. Wonderful kiss. Yes, you wanted to, you tried to. Did I not show integrity, respect, love. How many of your friends know about that weekend, how it went? I kept the promise you asked for, like the one to come to graduation no matter what.

I am not going to watch you from afar get hurt, hurt yourself, hurt others because you are willing to allow yourself to be this object of pain you believe you are destined to be your whole life. I am not going to spend another night wondering if you are fucking someone into the morning. I am not going to allow myself to be pathway for you to hurt yourself, I can not let that happen anymore. I am not going to hurt needlessly anymore. Something to hold on to? Something to keep going? Then I will continue to endure, to stay, to work to make right what is wrong. But you know all too well, and for that I still lose sleep, that a mind can only take so much. You've broken down several times wondering if you lost me - the days after graduation, after my Europe trip, just a couple days ago. You've recognized that you've been a hypocrite and have been taking me for granted. A well placed I miss you, I love you. I do not deserve to be played. If you will always be angry at me, if you will be able to say "I don't love you that way", if you never ever will find a way back, then please respect my love for you and let me be. You call me at 4:30am and tell me you miss me and love me, and 10 minutes later you pass out in your own bed with some drunk dude you've known for 10 days (but at least you say you implicitly trust this dude, that he'd never make a pass at you... so he's gay?). Do you not comprehend what that does to me? Maybe you do? You break down to S., crying how you don't know how you could be so mean and horrible to me; how you know that I'm the one man for you, I'm the one. But will you come visit, like you have been saying, like you even told my parents? No, you've blown all your money on alcohol and iTunes you say - I'm not worth another $100 in gas (gee, thanks for asking me if I'd pay for the gas). If you truly do not know, not sure, then please be serious with your thoughts and feelings. Look into your mind, and your heart. Understand and contemplate that which is concrete, look deep into your mind. Even our Sun, as cosmically close as it is, can only exert during the day about as much force as a mosquito landing on you. If you look to the distance stars for guidance just use them to focus your heart, not to control it.

If you find you love my bones as your mother would want you to feel some day, you will find a way. There is a way, there has to be. If you don't then to what end would my enduring love for you have in my life? You have taken everything I have given these months, I've received nothing close to happiness, or kindness, or a possible future, yet continue I have. You think of me when you wonder about a good future, about true love, true hearts. You used my love and friendship, and I let it happen with full purpose, to get you through the end of school. Who could have been there for you? Who would have cared to do what I did? Anyone else? You know you would have gotten incompletes if I hadn't been back in your life. 2400 minutes on the phone, 40 hours, in April. I ate, slept, shit when you did the last two weeks before your papers were due. We took a walk together, over the phone, when you had an anxiety attack. We watched movies and shows together synced on iTunes. You'd say love you, miss you, just out of the blue. We read a book to each other again. That month, the last couple weeks, was above and beyond just a friendship - it was reconnecting. Add up all the effort of others in you past, not as much as me. Add up all the love, not as much as me. I have worked so hard for you, for us. I have endured so many bad days with you. Look at your early emails to me, you know, they started a week after our first kiss. You have endured my flaws, too. And they were serious, and difficult ones, and ones that we needed to stay an early us. You know how much I have worked on mine. Done? No. Must continue to grow? Yes, a life and life-partnership necessity. And I know I must continue to do better, I feel very bad about how things ended Saturday. I understand better how anger works, I was shaking and upset. That is not the conversation to have when you were wasted. I failed there, I recognize that, I will learn from that. It should have sooner to take a call or contacted you back after I settled down. How have you grown? How have you taken hold of your flaws, you insecurities, your difficulties? Do you watch them as they occur inside and around you and do something about it, or do you let it continue to happen and try to deal with the consequences and pick up the pieces hoping you can find all of them? How many times are you going to have to say "so sorry, so drunk" before you realize the hurt to yourself and those that actually care about you (if it doesn't upset someone, then they don't care about you, maybe just using you). How many emails do I have from you saying that? How many texts the last few months from you saying that? How many times the last 3 months have you said, "this is meant to hurt you," but you tell me anyways. I think about your life 3 hours from now, 3 days, 3 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10, 20 years, the day your mother dies. I think I might think about your future more than you do sometimes.

If you push all the men away in your life, they will all leave. That is simple logic, simply life. If you are not wanted you go. We seek places we are wanted, needed, desired, where we can make a difference and improve someone's life and ours, and grow together. I know you feel those from me. You showed me my flaws and life skills I didn't have. And then you hammered on them, and on and on, until I broke, too. And the distance prevented there being a feedback loop, something I could read and watch the build-up of anxiety and frustration and insecurities. Instead, it would just explode and I hadn't been slowly exposed to my missing skills, time to grow and fix them. I want us to grow better together. To work on them together. If you, we, can't find trust again, then my continuing to work towards an us again is toxic. Unrequited love is insanity and can kill one's heart. Are you are full of contempt and disdain for me and no admiration and respect, if so then why continue this? You can't change whom you love, we can only love them better. If you love me, then just love me harder. I don't want you if you are only worried about losing me. I don't want you if I'm just some backup plan. I don't want you if feel like you are settling. I deserve to be number one in someone's life, as I would make her.

You know I've jumped with no net. I've been fearless. I have hoped you would jump up, catch me, and we would fly and never hit the ground. I may well hit the pavement soon, but I would have spent the rest of my life wondering if there was an incredible woman that I missed having in my life because I was scared to expose my heart, soul, mind, and life.

Saturday morning I was at Target to get my usual Magic 8-Ball I give people getting married and I walked past the office supplies. I picked up a dry eraser board. I looked at them for a while. I was going to send one to you. It represented to me a clean slate. But I wonder if there would need to be things written on first that would have come off one-by-one before it would be clean.

Kafka's Bauer said "how indifferent people can get, how deeply convinced of having lost the right track forever". I have told you before that I believe in you. I know you are searching for yourself and you will find her. I trust you will figure out the right things to do, and then do them the best you can. I will not ever except you are not capable of devotion and kindness and love again. I want to touch your face again. I want to cradle your head in my neck.

Hard

Been too hard to write since last post. That night of my last post was the worst day of my life. Well, until I went up for her graduation weekend. Put three of those days together. Been a few since as well. Then last Saturday we had a doozy. Not going to talk for 2 months... Next post is what's been pouring out of my heart and brain.

Coin Operated Boy

She told me today her new favorite song is Coin Operated Boy, and set it as her main song on her myspace page. Nice. It's about a girl having a guy she can use to just fuck her. Of course I got upset. She's still fucking the loser. Right in my face.

Mix, Chop, Stir, Fry

It's been mostly a survivable week. Tuesday night we were supposed to have talked again after we talked as she was walking to the pizza parlor. She didn't called back after a couple calls. Same as last Tuesday. Damn, my mind so wanders to really tough thoughts. I Couldn't sleep. Was really down Wednesday morning and she could tell when we talked briefly after she left a message saying she had gone to bed early (same think she told a mutual friend the same morning). I believe her, no reason not to. It’s Just my own fatalism taking hold. An afternoon talk Wednesday morning she grilled me a bit why I was down, I know she would have guessed. She basically said she doesn't need to keep me abreast of what she's doing. Correct. Friends. Still hurts badly.

She called Wednesday night as she was walking to a local bar to meet two girlfriends for a girls evening out. I did good, "have fun", "you've been working hard, you deserve it", etc. She called at 2:45am Thursday on her walk home. Drunk, yes. Alone, yes. I know she cares. Wish I would been able to wake up to the call, it was next to my bed - just so exhausted from the week. I think the Battlestar ringer set off a sci-fi dream I had. She called when she was on her way to campus in the morning, hung-over, the poor girl. It was a good talk. Then another 5 calls from her during the rest of the day. Last one wish me luck on a 5K I ran Thursday at midnight on campus. It was a good day. And today, she beat me to calling in the morning.

During the drive home, I was listening to a remake of "In Your Eyes" by Sara Bareilles and just started balling. Such a sad and hopeful song, it really gets to me hard.

I love her as a flower loves the Sun.

I'll Take The Bad Times

Take A Look Around

Movie and Take-Out

Last night I endured her telling me things like how she's obsessed with the other guy, how she views him as just something for her ego, oh and sex thrown in there. Nothing is going on currently, but only because he stopped I think - something she can't take, rejection. Tough talk to take myself. What got her started was her two long time friends aren't going to come to her graduation, something she's wanted to complete for 10 years, so important to her. She gave one her credit card. One lives a state away, even asked if I would pick her up on the way to Virginia - sure, of course I would. She was not in a good mood, and I got to listen - wish she could have left out the part that hurts so bad. She got off phone as she was meeting up with a girlfriend, I expected a night of drinking and the other guy.

She called me this evening. She's was very hung over. She slowly tells me about her night, the drinking, the shots, the fun hanging with the band. The other guy was there with his best friend (guess she's hot). She alludes to going home alone and how maybe she at least will have a friendship with the other guy. Wish I had that phone call this morning - wasn't a great day with my mind wandering.

So this evening, she called taking a break from study. She wanted to watch a movie and wondered if I would watch it with her. So nothing like getting a movie on iTunes synced with another that's 658 miles away. We watched the whole movie together, talking on the phone through it - fun since I hate that in the theaters. She said she was getting hungry and wanted chicken. Well, anybody that knows me would say I'm pretty resourceful. I tracked down the only Chinese restaurant that will deliver to her area and place her an order - gets there at the end of the movie (In The Valley of Elah - well worth a rental).

In the middle of the movie, she tells me she misses me. I miss you, too. I miss you, too.

We are good people

Does your Mom rely on L.? Does she hate him for it? Does she love him less for it? Does she love herself less for it?

You pushed me away, I didn't reject you. I had to let go of you for yourself and for me. Your drinking forced me away, and your friends, and your family. I think we all knew you needed to find the bottom and pull yourself out. Nobody could do that for you. When you say you'll go back to drinking and not be happy down here, that's really wrong. I'm not the cause of your drinking - which you still rely on as we've not been together for months. It's a matter of security and full comfort with a man you need. It comes from the issues with your father. I accept you, I love you, I want you, I desire you. I want to touch you and protect you. That is how you love someone.

We are good people. We are great people. We once were madly in love. I didn't let go of loving you and a dream of being with you and I've found myself falling in love with you all over again. If you shut down, close up, we'll miss the most important moment in our lives. You do give so much of yourself, something I've been able channel and can give back. But there's a part of you that I didn't get into.

Don't write me off just yet.

My Do Nots

I don't yell at you.
I don't argue to argue with you.
I don't lie to you.
I don't manipulate you.
I don't say cruel things to you.
I don't intimidate you.
I don't threaten you.
I don't pull the silent treatment on you.

I don't make you feel powerless.
I don't make you feel helpless.
I don't make you fear me.
I don't humiliate you.
I don't degrad you.
I don't shame you.
I don't abuse you.

Lost

We are good people. We are great people. We once were madly in love. I didn't let go of loving you and a dream of being with you and I've fallen in love with you all over again. If you shut down, close up, we'll miss the most important moment in our lives.

Her Love Is Gone

She's a bit of a wreck today. Aren't we all. I've got OK hours and bad hours, not a good one in while. She pretty much said she will be alone, her whole life. She's given too much and nobody is worth it anymore. I'm dead inside. She is everything. She thinks you have to completely rely on yourself and no others. She's got it wrong. She can rely on me. I accept her, I love her, I desire her. I want to touch her and protect her. That is how you love someone.

I Keep Bleeding Love

Maybe We'll Get It Right

I'll Find My Soul As I Go Home

I Can't Tell You Where We're Going

Dreams. Things smashed.

I had to let her go the first time so she could seek her biggest dream, finish college. I did everything I could for her to get through all the steps. We went through crazy times getting her application essay written and submitting the application. Hard times through her stress and anxiety. Things smashed. Too much alcohol. But I was there by her side, I knew this was something she needed to do and I needed to support her 110%. We moved her up to Virginia on a cold winter weekend. We had our cries, said our loves and goodbyes. So hard to have her so far away. I still see her face as I left. Her lips showing love and happiness, her eyes showing her fears, her stance showing her sadness. She told me she would never have tried to finish without having had me in her life - someone to believe in her, even when she didn't. What more can you give someone than the ability to reach one of their life's goals? If there's more, I'll do it.

Senza Una Donna

Lyrics

Just a Chance for a Second Chance

She asked me to visit for the weekend. The 10 hour drive has hard, so hard with the time alone, no distractions, no chance to change the subjects going through my mind. But I have one destination, back into her heart. I am superman, I will travel anywhere. I was so anxious, nervous, and just wacked out to see her again. I met her on campus outside her computer lab. She is so beautiful. A hug, a long hug.

The weekend was as if we hadn't been apart. Cuddling, touching, flirting. Doing dishes, cooking, cleaning, laundry. She even called me "sweetie" one time. It nearly felt like we were still together - except for kissing and sex (so not the point of the weekend). Well, she kissed me one time, one long kiss, just to see if the spark was still there - it is - such a euphoria when we kiss.

Would have been more than I hoped except for the mixed signals. So mixed.

Me: "You need to get a VA license plate to help with residency status." She: "Ya, if I stay I'll do that."
She: "Hey, sweetie."
She: "Can you unbox all my books?"
She: "Will you sleep next to me?"
She: "I need you just to be a friend now."
She: "I miss having you here."

I'm going batty. I'm sure my cats think I'm insane.

New Shoes

I'm walking the shoes of a man I once new. He was happy, but uncertain of his future, of his past, of the moment he was living. The treads of his shoes only lightly worn, he had not made great strides to open his life to those around him. His carpeted home was comfortable, too comfortable. I have taken over these old shoes, they are mine now. The small rubber nubs of the treads are wearing thin. I've take that man's life, made it mine so I can bring chaos, and life, and love into him. I know in a life with her I would need to learn shoemaking.

Unrequited Love is Insanity

Is unrequited love really love? What is love with no hope, no chance of reciprocation? Someone who loves God at least expects that He will take care of the person and see them into heaven. A mother that loves her newborn child has a bond and expectation the child will understand and love her someday. What does an unrequited lover gain but hardship, pain, and sadness from the inability to give that which they feel so deeply? Some may say if one truly loves then they gain knowing a near spiritual existence towards the person they love. To what end? Can something that leads to an iron curtain around one's heart, a sense of eternal despair, and the coming undone of one's world actually be love?

No, not love, but insanity. Say it aloud. "My unrequited love is insanity." From Chaucer we get "nothing ventured, nothing gained." But what if the rate of return is zero percent? Invest your Love when there is an expected return. Constantly giving love with no results and expecting something different to happen is insanity. Where is the Sense and Sensibility wasting your most important ability as a human? You must move on and find a rewarding interest. Do it fast, before it is the death of you.

"A mighty pain to love it is,
And 'tis a pain that pain to miss;
But of all pains, the greatest pain
It is to love, but love in vain."
-Abraham Cowley

So Much Wasted

Just Ashes

I am a way for you to break the cycle. You want to be alone, yet you will fail at that on the outside. You'll be in relationships, have someone to love, be loved. But inside, you will continue to find the unsettling feeling it won't last forever - and they won't. You need to be in your first truly committed relationship, not be alone. Open yourself as you never done before. Push through your fears and don't push me away - no need to test anymore - pull me closer. Don't make me the one that you will forever regret losing. I've given you everything you asked for. You just didn't know you were asking. I see the problems; half the battle. I'm not done fighting for us. I don't want a day to come where I have to say goodbye my love, my friend, nothing here for me and just ashes are all we have in common.

Every Time I See You Falling

She'll Get My Support

I Taste Your Sweet Kisses

Tell Me That Your Sweet Love Hasn't Died

What You Gonna Do When It All Cracks Up?

Lately I Feel So All Alone

Whatever It Takes

email: Re: rilke

I wrote your mother back a little last night. She said if I love your Bones, then there is a way to do something about it. I wrote back that I understand and I do. And, that I'm not sure you can help someone fall madly in love with you, or perhaps nearly impossible, again. It's certainly easier to find a way to lose someone though. So I could tell where your heart is at regarding me. And that is not surprising. To most it's surprising I can get past your affair or that you have let me back into your life. Those are steps. We were really good in the past, but as you've said don't dwell on it, learn from it. If the past was every we both needed, we would not being going through this right now. I know for me what was missing, that was a full understanding of what it means to Love. I get it now, and it's wonderful, and you're the one I feel this way for. You center me. You take my world of logic and reason and plan and swirl in love and emotion and hope. You make me accept my feelings, not fight them anymore. You give me hope there is a wonderful world for me. And I know I bring into your life a better way to deal with the tangibles of life, like entering college to simply getting the right iPod.

I am your Gatorade. I can give you a hug for to you feel just a little bit of someone else's energy. And you know I'm a damn hugger. And I feel like I'm the Sun and I have plenty of energy for us. Get something in return? That's not to truly love. Expectations can only come from commitments, relationships, plans, things you could almost write a contract for. We know only in a dystopia would you have a contract for Love. That you can write as you have and give me fully your feelings as best as you understand them, it's one of the reasons I love you. It's such an important ability for long term relationships that flourish.

I think rejection only happens at initial contact. Anything beyond that is just one person has spent enough time with the other to know it won't work out, why continue for both sakes. We know it is so difficult to find the right person. I know we each thought we knew at the time that we found the right person when we got together. But when the distance increased, it created a long feedback loop. I couldn't see you walk in the door stressed from class and immediately be there for you. Those things built up and we know it got ugly. And I wasn't where I needed to be for myself if I was ever to be someone else's rock. Those aren't things that make up a rejection. They are what hurt existing relationships. And it's OK to need someone, to need what they can offer you. If everyone found everything they needed internally, then we would just be a bunch of androids and replicants. I think that void you have inside, you can't, shouldn't try, to fill it all by yourself with no external material. I don't think that's what makes us human. You fill the that little void in me. I have such hopes and dreams for us, but I know that they are just that. Reality has a long way to go. The only thing I know for real is that I desire you, I love you, I'm in love you, however you want to put it. Use those feelings. Pull them inside. Let a smile come across your face when you think of them. Like with the flowers. It's a start to happiness. Just go, wow, in those sunflowers there is love, someone sees something in me that they know is so wonderful. It's OK, no guilt, no expectations, Love is given in hopes it will make right the person and their world.

The inscription in the Rilke book you wrote me says "May you truly find yourself and along the way i hope you find me. Love, T." Ditto.

Talk to you later about easy shit, like papers and class and iPods. Okay. And remember that runner's store is just down the road on Rivermont.

email: Re: rilke

I don't know what to say. I feel like you are trying so hard to prove your love to me, it is hard for me to see you do this. You don't have to prove anything to me Joe. You know how i feel or at least were i am right now. Don't try to make me fall in love with you again; i love you...i don't know if i am in love with you or if there is a difference. I know i do not feel, right now, the same as i did. I don't have the same butterflies in my belly when i opened the door to flowers from you, i did smile and it made me feel good, but it was not the same as it once was for me. I may be numb, i may have given up, i may be just be protecting myself. Part of me wants to tell you to come, come to me, but i know that it is a selfish desire, i want to be held i want to feel some one hold me, i want to feel a hand on me a hug a kiss, but i would just be using you to make myself feel better. I could not promise you anything, i have nothing to give right now...i feel a deep deep void in me...i think i hope that in a few months i can fill it up with myself and not feel this blank spot inside that aches so badly. i thought that i was broken once, then i found out i could be ok...i feel broken again and i want to be ok, but everything is confused inside and feel like i will never be ok...i feel like i can never trust again, that i will never give of myself again, that i will end up one of those untouchable women...I don't think i will ever have sex again...funny funny i don't know why i think it is funny, there is something about this whole thing that is funny to me...that a simple two week affair could crush me...I know full well that much of what is happening has to do with my ego...It yells "How could I possibly be rejected again"...another part is not my ego...that is, i may have been projecting and when i did i allowed myself to open up even if it was false, even if i knew that it was only what "I wanted" and nothing more... in reality i did this to myself. i broke myself...Fuck i have no idea if any of this makes sense. I don't know if it even makes sense to me...I hope that you don't take this badly i hope that you understand at least that i am not really talking about love, but the illusion of love...and my big fat ego...
so i say come Joe...don't come Joe...there is a little hope in me...maybe if i see you all my old feelings will come back and everything will be ok...I don't know, i don't know...would you have be if i were not really there for you, would you come just to hold me even if i could not give you anything in return?
So come Joe, but don't come...i no longer now...
t.

email: rilke

Reading Rilke aloud to the cats. The May 14th 1904 letter (pg 30) has me crying. Damn it I'm trying to fall asleep. You wrote a beautiful inscription in this book to me. -Joe

email: Re: Hello from Gainesville, FL

Thank you, D., for taking the time to write on this. Comfort I did not expect. Further contemplation, yes. Thank you for some homework.

I do love her bones; that is a beautiful saying. Through her layers of skin, through the words of her mouth, past her heart, past her mind, the core of T. that has her walk this earth is precious. Love deeply or none at all. A way to do something about it? This is one I have to work on, because I'm not sure you can help someone fall madly in love with you, or perhaps nearly impossible, again. It's certainly easier to find a way to lose someone. I have most important work to do.

It was luck that found us in the same room for a Christmas luncheon, T. in her red skirt, double buttering a roll. I think it's all work after that. With growing and learning from the past best left behind, I'll take some more luck though for just a chance to use the new skills. So thank you for the kind wish.

Thank you again and have a good week. Perhaps I'll see you and L. at graduation.
-Joe

Wish of Luck

When people commit to each other, they may grow apart and the relationship ends, or they may grow together and flourish. Two people in love yet alone are naturally growing apart, so I'll take your wish of luck to find a way to grow together.

Lightning Crashes

I was really down this morning. I went for a hard run in a thunderstorm. I had disparaging thoughts like how a lightning strike would be quick intense heat and pain before you die vs. the ashes of a love-broken heart smoldering your whole life. But it turned into a good run. Pounding rain. Branches and leaves, pulling at me. My sorrow stripped away. I could see clear in the rain. Just Love. Period. That is more than required to find happiness.

I Love Her Bones

I do love her bones; what a beautiful saying. Through her layers of skin, through the words of her mouth, past her heart, past her mind, the core of her that has her walk this earth is precious. Love deeply or none at all. A way to do something about it? This is one I have to work on, because I'm not sure you can help someone fall madly in love with you, or perhaps nearly impossible, again. It's certainly easier to find a way to lose someone. I have most important work to do.

What Do I Want?

What do I want? I want to be able to ask the question "what do we want?" More so, I want to give and use what I've learned and continue the process. And the giving that comes back would find us both strongly centered - with all of our needs and ideas and feelings and love and kindness and complexity and dangers swirling together. Not in some liquid form like a strawberry/mango/peach juice box, but still uniquely identifiable like our galaxy with its gas giants and comets and planets and stars, all working in unison to hold together, yet able to jettison that which can damage or pull in more cosmic material for continued growth.

Step 2.

Was it the brush by your arm as we worked? The touch of a foot at lunch? Was it the slight linger of a look into your eyes? Our sarcastic banter? Was it an email?

...we will see although i do wish i had the balls to dump him and see if he gets hurt or not but then i would be all alone :-( and you are not single so that would make it even worse.....
So are we (the group) going dancing this weekend???? Please....

email: Re: Hello from Gainesville, FL

Dear Joe,


I wouldn't want to give answers to either of you. The question is, what do you want? If you love her bones, you have come to that, good for you! Then you can probably find the way to do something about it. I don't know what T. wants either.

I have observed that there may be no answer to 'what is love,', but many questions. We may come in touch with what is NOT love; perhaps we must in order to learn about what is love. Certainly we humans need to come in touch with Love and live from that. For what could be of more importance in this barren, loveless world we have created, living only from pleasure and fear. And is this Love, the love of God, the love of a man, a woman, of pleasure, or any of all the things we humans love to love and hate.? In any case, we certainly may learn what is NOT love. And when the 'in loveness', the sexual passion fades and it does, what will get us through just living life everyday, always moving beyond with the other, or will we have to abandon them? Will we come in touch with the simple affection for life, the other and all life, that makes this possible? Or are we only interested in our personal love, satisfaction, fulfillment, through another, and call that love? Is love getting something from another?

I do not know where either you or T. stand in the issue of intentions as regards love in your lives, together or apart. I do not know just how serious either of you is about life, the whole picture, or just wanting personal satisfaction. I do know that we get what we ask for, and so, we should seek the highest. I do know that our intentions need to coincide for relationship to flower.

This letter may be of little comfort to you, but maybe these questions are important, or maybe you all feel they don't concern you. I would love to see you and T. happy and creative and improving this world through your loves and relationships. Good Luck!

Warmest regards,
D. (T.'s mom)

Yin. Yang.

You are my centering force. It's the swirling of my world of logic and reason and plan, to a centered world halved with your love and hope and happiness. I am your centering force.

email: Hello from Gainesville, FL

D. (T.'s mom),

D,

T. and I talked a little the last few days. Tonight she read to me a book. I love when she reads. I asked about talking to you, but didn't get the phone number before we said goodnight.

I just want it to be all right again. I so failed myself and I failed your daughter, I failed us, so terribly. If I had the strength she needed a few months ago, I could have answered a phone call or two and told your daughter I was still in love with her. I needed a cupid, a friend, to smack me out of my own darkness and put back in my face that I was her friend, I loved her, and needed her, too.

I am so scared I'm going to live my life without her. I had been sometimes scared to live my life with her, until I was able to concentrate on my own feelings, my own heart, my own thoughts. It was just so crazy, it was crisis mode so often, and I was not confident I wasn't still screwed up from my old relationship and this wasn't just a rebound. My love never stopped, but I needed to fall in love with her in a better way. I can't change that I love her, but I can love her better. Some may throw a bunch of adjectives at this, but it has the most meaning to me in its simplest and purest form - I love T., I love your daughter. I see our two hearts as one, separate souls as a team through life. I want to be the one for her when there is a disaster in her life. I can now do that as I've given myself over to my love for her. I want her to be able call you just because she wants to say hi. I want to make her tea with honey. I want to hold her hand to get a caramel macchiato. I want to wait for her after class. I want to massage her feet after a long day. I want to see glowing candle light across her beautiful face. I want to kiss her and tell her I love her every day.

I so am sorry. I don't know how to get through some of this. I do know I need to listen to T. and follow her lead, and do what she asks of me. And I'm so sorry to impose, but you always have such wisdom for your daughter. If there's anything you can say to me, I could use it. I know the words aren't always what you want to hear. And I don't need the pain to go away. That I need to feel so I can understand how she has felt, so someday, if I get a chance, I can prevent or lessen her from feeling this ever again. If you have any words on hope or how life plays out that you would kindly share, I would appreciate it.

With all my heart,
Joe

Will She Let Me?

I want to wake up next to you.
I want to fix you a cup of tea with honey.
I want to wash your hair with your favorite shampoo.
I want to watch you teach students.
I want to wait for you after class.
I want to sneak a love song on your iPod.
I want to cook with you on a Saturday night.
I want to put lotion on you where can't reach.
I want to wrap you in a blanket on a cold night.
I want to watch your lips move as you read to me.
I want to see glowing candle light across your face.
I want to start you a hot bubble bath.
I want to tickle you until you almost pee.
I want to kiss your lips.
I want to kiss your belly.
I want to walk through your favorite bookstore.
I want to hold your hand to get a caramel macchiato.
I want to massage your feet after a long day.
I want to watch Battlestar with you.
I want you to wake up one morning and want me, too.

The 'Verse

I was in the wrong universe. I think I sat on a toilet that was a wormhole. The man I used to believe I knew was me was swapped for an alien, look-a-like, replicant. I have retaken my original place, but much damage has been done. Can only the mechanisms of time can save me? Can my love fold the universe and bend my light back into her heart?

I am Human

I've been thinking about my life to this point, and all the times I've been sad, or numb, or broken, or happy, or loved, or confident. During our converstion last night about utopias and dystopias a lot of talk was about cyborgs and the seeking of human emotions. The last few months have been the most non-human I have ever been. I was a cyborg. My emotions and my feelings were fake and masked as my mind had my heart ignoring my true self. When I awoke from this nightmare, I realize I am human. Period. I love. I feel. I cry. I hope. I love her as is if I never understood true love before. I love her as no one ever has. I will show her how I love her.

Scared

I feel so horrible. I can't believe how worthless of a human I became. I don't know how I got there. So low. So stupid. I am so scared. I don't know how she has the strength to talk to me. I don't know why she has bothered. I am so scared that I won't be able show how my love for her never left my heart, how her face never left my eyes, and her touch never left my lips, before she can find a reason she won't let me back in.

Wanna

Don't wanna to go out,
Wanna stay in.
Don't wanna get bruised,
Wanna take a cruise.
Don't wanna listen to lies,
Wanna gaze in her eyes.
Don't wanna hold a beer,
Wanna hold her hand.
Don't wanna get faked out,
Wanna makeout.
Don't wanna get laid,
Wanna make love.
I'm fucking tired of meeting all the players,
even their friends are nothing but liars.

email: Re: sorry, more emotional dumpings

It makes me feel so good to know that no matter what happens between us at least i helped you grow. You have helped me to...so very much. I am so sorry about our conversation yesterday. I realize that all this must be hell for you but i had to be honest with you and with myself. I know that i love you, but i also know i am still fucked up. I need to find out if i even love myself before i can commit to anyone or it will be the same as it was...me drinking too much, unhappy with life, driving myself and you crazy...you were the only bright spot in my life (thank god for that). I don't want to be the person that i was...if i ever get involved again (and i hope that it is with you) i want to be whole, confident and secure in myself so that i can give fully truly of myself and not become over reliant on you, that i forget how to function on my own. I always thought that i was one of those people that was meant always to be with someone...i never learned how to really be on my own and that means i never learned who i am. The universe is a funny thing...i had a wakeup call last week that made me realize no matter what i do, no matter how much i push and pull, scream, yell, cry and accuse the universe of fucking me over i am being forced to be alone...
I feel like i need to explain...I know that you think that i fell in love with some one else. This is not the case... At first it was nothing and it would have stayed that way but i am, as i said, still fucked up...desperate to be loved, desperate not be alone, desperate not to be rejected..and i projected on to this boy my pathetic fears. I made of him something that he is not...then you called, emailed and everything got confused. You mean so much to me that my reaction was to say noooooo because i had gone through so much to get over you, i felt i could not trust you again i felt that you just wanted me back because you thought i was with someone else. Funny how life works... This boy he saw that i was not over you (he himself has been trying to get over a woman he loves) and he was smart, smarter than me. He ended it (whatever it was) and i found myself alone and again rejected...I have a huge problem with rejection...regardless of that my feelings for this boy are (they are far from what you call love), i freaked because my ego is so fucking big and distorted. I felt like i was so damaged that no one not even a fucked up 23 year old boy wanted me. Please understand that deep down i know you are true and honest about your feelings, but the timing and everything really made me feel like it was not really true that you wanted me...so with what i felt about you (not really wanting me) and having been rejected by another i have been to the edge again... the edge of insanity...but i am stronger now, i have changed...and i am going to be ok. yet all of this, the way of the universe, makes me realize that i really need to be alone. I need to stop looking for what i have to find in me...i fear that i will never be able to open myself to another again, that my love has become dull and blunt...i say this know that i love you, i know i do (other wise i would have used you, made you come up here to make me feel better et cetera) but right now i have become numb. It is a good thing for the moment, i have to get through school...i have to find myself...may be may be in the end i will come out of this and you will be there...may be i am closer to finding myself than i think (the road looks really long really hard and i fear sometimes that i will not be able to make it). Anyways i wanted to explain without wine on my lips and with having some time to think. I hope that you are doing ok i hope that the world looks better today than it did yesterday...i hope i hope....
I love you Joe,
t.

email: Re: sorry, more emotional dumpings

God damn it T., this is shit. You write things about you that now I'm going through, "could not live without you", "depression", "alone for so very long". This is fucking going suck for a while. I get home after we talked, and A. wants me to meet him at Gators Dockside because D. is there for motorcycle night (or more to really just get me out of house, he knows I don't like being here last few days). So I'm half way there and realize, gee, I'm on the same route I'd take to your old apartment, and I'm heading to where we had our first date. Fuck me, Fuck me, Fuck me.

I've got to go on with realizing that I'm an amazing, giving, loving, man who is only gotten better from having a good teacher. I know all I went through with you, gave more than I knew I had in me. I know more of what I need in a relationship, I need to be close so I can be engaged in any problems, and be close so I can see and feel fully the wonderful times. Major growth for me, expressing my feelings, being so comfortable in love with you. I'm a pretty good package like you are, I just need a bottle of glue around the edges and let it set for a while. But then there's the whole bottom of the box missing with your name on it.

If you want to know you are attractive, desirable, look in the mirror (or call me) and see this planet's deepest, most beautiful eyes and precious lips that look back at you. I've looked at them every day in this photo, the only one that didn't get ripped apart.

For a plant to grow, it needs good soil, and someone to tend to it, to water (you did that wonderfully with your tomatoes). There is good soil in Gainesville. There is me, friends, to put up the stakes to make sure there is the structure in place so the tomato plant can reach as high as it can. I hope you really understand that. A. thinks you would get too comfortable here, not get back to grad school in a year, because he hasn't. He's wrong. I know we would bust your ass if you tried not to, and I've been there once, I've proven myself. And this time you wouldn't leave alone. I'm not a fool, and I wish to wander with you, and make Buddha happy. I know two people can grow and discover together, it's just a different process than doing it alone. I know you are making something for yourself up there, and that is wonderful. It's what you want, what you need, you are supported. It's just so hard waiting for one little hint that there was the real T. back so I could have what I needed to get back to you and missing it, not getting it. I don't agree with you when you said something like people are meant to just flow in and out each other's lives, something like an uncontrolled current. When you know what went wrong, how to fix it, and how to make things stronger, it's your choice to take action, not fate. You control the flow.

You talked about losing some of your friends, your sister, and how some of your friends have gotten married. You need to reread my emails.

I know you love me, T.. Those aren't words you say easily. I'm so crushed there's a trust issue I created, and I know you have to be safe. But I will beat myself up over failing you over what could have been one or two phone calls where if I had regained my strength, or seen a glimmer of the old T., and answered I would be the happiest man in the happiest couple right now. When you find out "what the hell" you need from others, please, for the sake of the stars, reread my emails and if there is something missing in there, will you will ask me first.

I love you T.D.M.. You will always be my goddess. (I said that aloud so I could smile).

I'm done. I think I'm exhausted enough I can sleep now.

Love, Me

Will you take all my emails to Susan and see if she thinks I could use some help. I think I'm OK, no destructiveness. I'm getting all this out is good and used to be one of my major flaws where I struggled to do this.

I think I'll watch Battlestar Raven movie this weekend, hope it's good.

Please tell your mother I've learned to fully understand the "Two Pots" poem and embrace it. I hope she is well.

No Net

My love for her is flowing and I've jumped with no net waiting for me.

Have I figured out Love? No, but I'm working on how to love better. How to base my decisions on it. How to expose my true self through it. Have to be fearless.

Level 10 Force Field

One day we will find our Love in sync with the one around us. Both will be enveloped in an unbreakable energy field. Mine is flowing for her. I need to get to her.

Realize

I can not comprehend now how I did not fully feel this way before. Too scared to let go of old concepts? Too afraid of loss? In my Love World there will be no word for the concept of loss. I've been enlightened. My heart has gained a powerful force, and my mind is OK with its mastery of me. I love better. I hope the realization is not too late.

Step 1.

The department sat down for the annual Christmas lunch at the local hotel. You were wearing a holiday-red skirt. You sat at the next table, eating in my view. Ripping open a roll, you buttered twice. I heard a new laugh and I looked up to see your beaming, open mouth, engaged in a beautiful exhale of happiness. I wondered when I would see you again.

Karma is True

I now know the personal agony, the despair, the inability to breathe, the lack of regard for self-worth, self-care, the malfunctioning mind, the endless tears, the screams so hard you want your lifeless soul to escape and snuff out your hapless body. She endured my early emotional immaturity, my lack of good coping skills from a long, "perfect", pain-free, and nearly love-free previous relationship, contributed to the suffering. My previous love understandings did not place her above all else, I still found things to worry about how others would think, and I did not fully embrace her flaws. I did not trust myself, I did not understand the love in me.

I have given all I could during our times together, I have made a wonderful memories for us, as she has. I helped her through horrible days, her toughest decisions. I have a lot of good karma, also. I so need to find in it enter her heart and mind. I have discovered so much from the way she loves, what it really means. I need to be tested on it. I need to show her how much I have learned.

Can karma please bring me the second chance? I have tried so hard my whole life to do the right things, to be the good soul, to be the one there when needed. Can all the work to get me here be enough to get me to her side again? I am crying so hard right now.

Two Types of Mistakes

There are mistakes made that you can only learn from. There are mistakes you can fix. I need the biggest mistake I can ever make to be the later, I so need this to be fixable. I have gone my whole life taking time to make the right decisions. I've so failed in the biggest one I've ever had. The wounds will not heal if I do not gain her trust, her mind, her heart, her hand, her lips.

email: RE: I love you two

Love you too, good buddy.

The fact that you found S. and me to be inspirational is quite surprising and gratifying. It's nice to hear, so thank you.

Having only hung out with both T. and you together a handful of times, I obviously can't say what seems best for you. All I know is you would be a great catch for any woman. If that's T., wonderful. If not, that's cool too. I want to see both of you happy, whatever that entails, and I'm sure things will work out the way they should.

If you and T. end up back together in a strong relationship, I will be thrilled for you both.

If you don't, I don't want you to think you'll never "get the chance to experience [it] again."

Either way, your ultimate relationship will be loving, healthy, and filled with all the good stuff one could want. I am sure of that. Remember, or prepare for neverending thumps to the forehead. (I have been thump training for the past half hour.)

Keep us posted, 'cause we're all about supporting you.

-A.

email: RE: I love you two

We love you too, Joe! I'm glad our genuine affection for each other can be an inspiration to others.

I don't know all the details of the situation with T. but, as cliche as it sounds, I truly believe things happen for a reason. You are a wonderful person and deserving of someone who is able to focus on and support you just as much as you will for her. You have a lot to offer and shouldn't settle for anything less than the best! If things are meant to work out between you and T., they will. My two cents: Really take the time to make sure you think things through thoroughly to make the best decision for the both of you. I know from experience with my last relationship that the emotional roller coaster caused by making decisions in moments of weakness are tough on all parties involved.

We're available this week for cheering up, getting your mind off things, or anything else you need (free of charge!) so let us know!

S.

email: RE: sorry, more emotional dumpings

I am so sorry you are hurting! i know that if it were the other way around i would be going crazy. I am not "with" someone else, please understand that. I would never do that to hurt you, ever! I needed physical comfort. You are right i did it because i needed to feel something, anything. I needed to feel like a women again, i needed to feel like i was attractive, desirable, wanted. Ever since our split, i had fallen in to a great and deep depression, thinking i could not live without you that i was nothing without a man to define me. I realized that no one ever looked at me twice anymore or flirted with me (not that i am around lots of men--all girls school). I felt like i had been alone for so very long, that i was damaged, that no one would ever ever want me again. Then one day i realized that i can sustain myself that i can be alone, that i was not dead and amazing things happened...i made friends, i found that i did not need to run back to the safety of FL, that i have truly changed, grown, that i had started a proses that this is both painful but needed. I started to see that what i need right now is to find out who the hell i am and what the hell i need from myself and others. "Someone" else happened to be there at the right time for me...i just happened. But this is irrelevant, not impotent. I know that you cannot see or feel that and i know that it seems easy for me to say but i hope that you can put it out of your mind.
I must go, i have so very much to do.
Please feel free to call or email...i will listen (when i can).
I love you too,
t.

email: sorry, more emotional dumpings

Of course it's not something I think you did just to hurt me, may be it's just so you can feel something. At least that's what I tell myself and really really want to believe. But it does not mean it is not so horribly fucking hard to not think right now about you and someone else. Oh, it is a trigger. To a gun straight to my heart, my head. I can't I can't I can't believe I'm going through it again. I started to like you before you started seeing Ralph. I remember finding out you two hooked up and feeling something I hadn't felt in a long time, emotional pain. I so wanted you to be happy all through that and it came around to me wanting to be the one do that. Was it not complicated? I was in a long-term relationship that had been over, just not done. Worrying about the rebound effect, that would not be fair to you if that was what was going on - to most it would not have been unlikely. I felt it was love, I remember looking at you standing in your kitchen and telling you the first time that I loved you. And then the first times dealing with strong emotions from a woman, nothing I had ever encountered. It was a short love affair before you left for college, we stuck it out, but I didn't learn enough. And I, and even you, had thoughts if it was just a rebound. Yes, I got pushed away, from all the craziness at college, and I just didn't know how to absorb the blows. I just wasn't there, I couldn't grab you and kiss you and tell you all would be fine. It's the chicken or the egg kind of thing. If we were together, there would be less or not so hard, just simply because of being together, close, able to read each other. The distance and the alcohol and uncertainty from me, just all spiraled around. You broke it off. I wanted to discover my feelings outside of the craziness, away. I wanted to know deep inside me this was the true feeling of love and commitment. I so failed you, I so failed you, I so failed you, and wish I could change that, so easy to have done as the way I know I feel now. Do you understand it really was part me, not just your emotions at issue.

But I'm past all that now, it's come back around, the only thing that hasn't changed is that I love you. It is definitely not the love I have had in my life before. I don't want to believe we are not meant for each other. I really hope when you find yourself I am in there. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without the one I love. You mentioned trust, and not sure anymore. If I broke this and fucked up so badly that it's not recoverable ever, part of me will be forever missing. When I saw S. and A. at just a stupid bowling alley, interact so lovingly simple, I knew I've been that way before and wanted to again with the only person possible. I've jumped, both feet, hands out stretched, no net. Just time is my last to give. You have it.

Sorry, last one, no need to respond, just me giving. So sorry again, please just deal with school, almost first degree done, something I cherish being a part of.

Love, me

email: FW: Thanks my friend

S.,
I know I hurt her and should have been there, even though she broke up with me, and of course never hurting her on purpose. After all the the things we've been through, if what I've written and said is not enough, then I am forever screwed.

She's OK with being in a worthless relationship, but knowing there is one that could be the last one she ever is in, and she doesn't make that leap... I don't know what else to do. I can not believe it. I know I can be the one. It's like she just doesn't want to be safe. I need someone to wake her up (and have smacked me earlier).

Thanks for being a good friend. I'm going to be really down. It won't show as much as I feel. I'm going to recoil some, close down and in, I need to do that, just don't let me get too low.

-me

email: I love you two

S. and A.,
I really need to tell you how important it is to see a couple like you two together. The other night at bowling, watching you interact in such simple, loving ways was very inspirational to me. I have felt that way, held someone, looked at someone that way one time in my life and that was with T.. We’ve been splitsville, but I thought hanging on for one more chance. I ripped out my heart and soul over the weekend and wrote what they had written on them to her. I don’t know if I’ll get the chance to experience again what everyone plainly can see you two have, but I just needed to really thank you for being the spark for me to try to make it happen.

-me

email: FW: FW: Hi

I know you've said I've made you feel like I was your father sometimes. I will be there to roll with you, not control you. I will be the man that grabs you and kisses you. I am. When the tears flow, I will not try to fix the problem first. I will listen first, touch you first. Problem solving is for after the emotions. The emotions are there so we know when there is hurt or anxiety or worry. I am not scared of them anymore.

I accept all you are, not what I thought I wanted you to be. All pieces of you are what makes you T., I know that now, not one part needs fixing or changing. I did not fall in love with who I thought you could be. I fell in love with all of you, all the parts that make you whole. I so wish I could write this better.

Little stupid things that make me upset with myself I'm so done with. Like talking in the check out line. Buying you a pack of cigarettes, I can.

I want to walk into a bar, a restaurant, a party, and everybody wonder who the happy couple is.

I don't want to waste another year. I want to cry of joy. I've given into my feelings, I am not scared to love you and all that it brings. It is all I want to do. 100% trust, 100% open heart, 100% open mind.

I will regret not doing my best to give you all my feelings and thoughts. It's only something I can improve over the rest of my life.

Driving back from the beach today, I wished A. was not sitting next to me. I so wished he was in the back seat. I want to look over and see your beautiful face.

I love you T.. I know you know that. But I think you new that more than I. I just hope I can catch up to you.

email: FW: Hi

When you decide where you want to go for grad school, I will go. If it took us a way from Gainesville, I would leave. Where you go is where I will follow.

-me

email: Hi

With your voice mails about graduation invites and after graduation plans from Wednesday night, they clicked off a lot of thoughts I had been having. I've been thinking about what my life going to be like. What I hope it can be. Thinking about you in Gainesville, taking a year off before grad school. A full year here. Nothing we've ever had.

I had been thinking about all the craziness I've gone through with you. The 4am screams on Bourbon St. in New Orleans. You destroying your keys and almost your laptop getting your application to S.B. submitted. The nights of too much drinking at Mkt St and Tampa. You shredding your own photos. The hours crying as we dealt with our feelings. And I think that there can not be nothing from all that; from giving more than I knew was in my heart.

I had been thinking about how I've never been more comfortable with a woman. More open to my feelings, and letting them out. Can I do it more? Yes, I can, I must. Never had farted in front of girl before. Never so sexually comfortable and open.

I had been thinking about all the incredible times I've gone through with you. The silly flirting when you were in OA. Making love in New Orleans. Kissing you on every street corner. Buying our Chinese shirts. First "spat" over cheese. Getting hot chocolate at Daily's. Buying soap at Paddywack. Cooking my first turkey with you. Playing tile rummy. Suduku. Reading to me. Waiting for you outside one of your classes at S.B. Kissing during commercials watching Battlestar.

I still see you leaning against the back of the couch at A's old place. Knowing that in just a few seconds my life would change permanently. Walking to you in what felt like slow motion, placing my hands on your face, looking at your eyes, leaning in and touching my lips to yours.

I've really been watching M. and H., how they fight, sometime degrade each other, and end up showing how they love each other in the end. I see how you can last 10 years and not be perfect and it's OK it's not perfect. Out of the problems you can find a stronger love.

I had been thinking about how I haven't played a game of Suduku. I haven't watched the Battlestar mini movie, Raven, I have on DVD. I want to watch it the first time with you. I've been working out, and running more, getting in better shape. Wondering if I can really learn to drive a stick.

When I got into Daytona last night and walked around this morning, I could only think how you should be here. It would be like New Orleans. I could just think of romance. I said to the boys something like "no offence, but I'd rather be here with someone else."

I've thought about how incredible it will be to see you in your cap and gown. Walk up to you can hug you can look at your eyes and know I could tell you everything is going to be wonderful.

You knew at Christmas I was still in love with you. I kissed you. You kissed me. Could you give me, us, a few months? A second chance for us? I thought we were still connected, by heart, souls still holding hands. You were going to rescue me. But, A. told me you're staying up there, that you might have moved on already.

I want to have a reason to stop going to bed at 3am, so little sleep so I don't remember any dreams. I want to have a reason to play hookey. I want to see your clothes hanging in the closet. I don't want to watch another Battlestar without you. I don't want to call you T. I want to call you sweetie.

-me